“Remember that the reason you're doing this is to make your life better.” - Anonymous

Challenge Accepted

Last week I asked you what had surprised you thus far in 2024. Today I want you to think about the challenges you have faced this year. Amazingly, we are already approaching mid-year, so I know that there must be something that comes to mind. For me, there have been several, but I have faith that all is well, and they will come to an end soon. But today, I have another young woman whose story I want to share. I met this young woman a few years back and was immediately struck by her composure, self-assurance, and confidence. She is beautiful physically, but also her spiritual light shines brightly.

Several years ago, she became very sad, and her light looked so dim it was concerning. She was a young wife and mom, with a thriving business and beautiful home. She seemingly had the dream, but that dream had turned into a nightmare. Her husband, whom she had always been so proud of and so happy with, had taken on both a physical and pharmaceutical mistress. He was with the other woman daily. She enjoyed the best of him, while my young friend (his wife) was offered crumbs. I use the term pharmaceutical mistress because that is how I view a drug addiction. The first taste of the drug leads to the first rush and then it becomes a flirtation. The pre-addict flirts with the high, coming closer and closer to the edge, until like in a physical affair, he jumps, and he is all in. Only drugs are a mistress with which no human can compete. You cannot one up her, you cannot match her high, and you cannot compete with the euphoria that comes from the rush. So, this young man levied a double blow to his beautiful wife, choosing another woman and drugs over her.

She was devastated, embarrassed and so deeply hurt; however, she again maintained her composure, pulled her broken heart together and filed for divorce. She then proceeded to systematically dismantle a life that she had meticulously built with the love of her life. I would like to say that the story ends here with her healing and moving forward, but no. She did move forward, and she trusted that all would right itself over time. She leaned hard into her faith, her family, and friends. She was the epitome of a lady, co-parenting with her ex-husband and smiling dutifully in all the pictures. But the light in her eyes was so very dim. Her heart was broken and her spirit was shattered.

As time progressed, she grew stronger and more confident. She stood up for herself, set boundaries, bought her own home, and continued to grow into a much stronger version of herself. As she became more self-assured and confident, her ex-husband began to see the light in her eyes again. He missed his life with her, and he began to regret his decisions that resulted in the hurt and loss. He came back to her with apologies and promises to do whatever she needed to take him back. At this point, she had a choice to make. She chose to forgive, knowing she couldn’t forget, but willing to try. She too wanted their family back together. She loved him and saw his face every time she looked into the faces of her sons. Her friends and family couldn’t understand her decision. I did.

Eventually, they remarried and built their life back around their children and each other. They created a home and a safe space. She learned to trust again and for a time she was so happy. They had another baby and the seemingly perfect family life. But this is not a happily ever after story. Eventually, he started slipping away again. She felt the gnawing fear like a cold knife to her gut. She could feel him distancing himself from her and the boys. He became secretive again. They began quarreling over small things at first, and then it continued to escalate. It was falling apart and there was nothing she could do to stop it. His workdays became longer, and he was ready to sleep the moment he arrived home. He was always freshly showered also. Funny, he never showered at the gym before. As time passed she realized that she had lost the battle and this time she was relinquishing the war. She had nothing left to give and three little reasons to carry on and create a healthy life. Once again, they divorced, only this time, she found herself completely alone. Her friends had told her not to trust him, not to allow him back in and this time she deserved it. She felt like an outcast on an island all alone in her heartbreak and shattered pieces. She felt stupid and naive, but all she had wanted was her life back. She had wanted her family to thrive and to grow old with her high school love. She had not wanted to co-parent and swap kids every week. Was that really so much to ask?

He went on to begin seeing the same woman he had cheated on her with publicly. She continued to be the loving single mom. His days were filled with work, but his social media was filled with parties and galas with this other woman by his side. She had the best of him. She was now the one on his arm, receiving the charming smiles and secret looks. The pain was searing. She threw herself into her church and her children. Her family supported her and from a distance, she looked content. But to the knowing eye, it was so glaringly clear that she was shell-shocked and empty inside. Her eyes were no longer bright and shiny, but a kind of wariness had set in, as though she were a wounded animal.

At some point a true friend stepped in and asked her what she really thought she wanted. She truly didn’t know, but she had a few ideas. This friend suggested that she create a list of qualities that she wanted in a partner. The list should include five non-negotiables, five compromise traits and five physical qualities she found attractive. She thought this was silly, but did it anyway. She then prayed over this list and asked God to either bring an honorable man into her life or remove the desire for a new relationship until she was ready. Again, she felt silly and a little pathetic making lists and praying about her desires, but then don’t we all? Interestingly, a few weeks later, another friend invited her and the children over for a cook-out. This really great guy kept interacting with her children in a kind and genuine way. He was gentle with them and he was funny. She observed the activities from a distance. They made eye contact, and he walked over. Turns out he knew her ex-husband and all the history there. He had experienced betrayal and hurt from the person he had loved and trusted the most also. He understood where she was, and they became friends. She was fearful and guarded at first, but as time progressed, she soon let her guard down and allowed him space in her heart. Today they remain friends and the possibility of more is available, but she is more focused on healing herself and learning about who she is than creating another long-term relationship. The funny thing is that this gentleman is willing to wait for her to heal and to bloom into the woman she is from the inside. He values her and he protects her. His kindness esteems her and he is willing to give her space. He holds her loosely.

I tell you this story today to share possibilities. New days don’t have to mean new forever relationships. Every relationship doesn’t have to serve the same purpose and sometimes the sweetest story is in the self-healing and love story you begin within. It won’t always be easy, usually it isn’t, but it is always worth it. So today, if you are ready and thinking it may be time to look for a new someone to hang out with or even spend your life with please do the following exercise…

1. List five non-negotiable traits you desire-

a. ___________________________________________________________

b. ___________________________________________________________

c. ____________________________________________________________

d. _____________________________________________________________

e. _____________________________________________________________

2. List five compromise points (this could be as strong as political views to as simple as early bird or night owl)

a. ___________________________________________________________

b. ___________________________________________________________

c. ___________________________________________________________

d. ___________________________________________________________

e. ___________________________________________________________

3. Finally, list five physical attributes you find attractive.

a. ___________________________________________________________

b. ___________________________________________________________

c. ____________________________________________________________

d. _____________________________________________________________

e. _____________________________________________________________

Create your lists and then think of all the attributes you hold for another person. Then put them away. They will float up at times, meditate, pray, or just think about them and become more aware during the day. Remember that you will check the boxes for someone at some point also. The point here is to become clear about what you want and, just as importantly, what you do not want in your life. Try to be clear and then just relax.

Our sweet friend is very happy now in her situation. She is growing and she is learning, but most of all, she is healing. Her friend is still with her, and they are growing together. The possibilities for a new and happy life exist for you as well. If you like what you are reading and want to know more, please go to MeBeyondWe.com and find multiple resources there. You may also follow us at MeBeyondWe on Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest. In the meantime, find something that brings you joy and do more of that!